Words to the Wise Helper

Self, Health , Suffering

Contributed by: Telecare Crisis & Caring Line


“Wounds are NOT our fault, but, as adults, it is now our task to do something about them.” 

~ Martin Rovers in Healing the Wounds in Couple Relationships, Novalis, 2005 ~


As a ministry that seeks to help hurting people, at Telecare we value understanding wounds or hurts. 

A wound is unresolved emotional damage from our past, often from our youth. That damage was caused by tragic, traumatic or hurtful experiences. It may have been from words of a parent or sibling, the betrayal of a best friend, or neglect from those who ought to have loved us. 

This pain – or bundle of pains — results in a subconscious, learned sensitivity to current criticism or threats, and we find ourselves responding with burning emotions and outright outbursts that go way beyond what the current situation warrants. For example, a person raised by a perfectionistic parent who always barked ‘jump higher’ may be especially sensitive to comments or criticism today about their ‘performance’. This person’s partner and friends are the unsuspecting targets of outbursts, and they feel confused as to why ‘such a little comment’ could set off the one they love. 

Rovers would say we ought to watch ourselves for these sorts of outbursts and ask “Why?”  Why am I reacting to this small critique?  Is there something deeper going on? He would affirm that while we were not at fault for having a critical parent or hurtful friend in our youth, we now have the responsibility of acknowledging that pain, finding help to understand it, and choosing to respond redemptively today.

This road to healing is neither quick nor straight, yet with the help of a wise counsellor and God’s gracious care, we have hope that even wounded people have potential for healthy relationships and the potential to help others struggling too.


Originally published on: https://www.telecarebc.com/word-to-the-wise-helper-february-2021